Hi all once again.

So whats been happening from the last entry round Christmas...

Well sadly Gran did pass away it did look like things might be improving for a bit but sadly it wasn't the case.
On the + side of that though at least Mum was able to be at her bedside in her last hours as she passed in her sleep. Really that's sad in so many ways but I think it helped mum deal with the loss better as she sadly wasn't there when her brother passed away a few years ago.

So yep that's generally messed us all up rather a bit and where still sorting out all the organizing and paperwork that comes after someone dies, but it is probably for the best given the condition she was in.

I also have new respect for my sister in her being able to play gran off at the funeral on the oboe. I'm honestly not sure if I'd of been able to do that given the circumstances, but it did sound lovely and its what gran would of wanted.


And on the mention of music we move onto the next item on the list.... Gigs
well to be more exact gig but yep I got asked to play for a gig in Darby (sp) the Saturday past, sure it wasn't that flashy but I did get paid £80 for it and it was good experience, I'm hopeing to get more offers after this one, my teacher seems like he might pass a few more my way.

And so on to GB ermmm not really much to say it more relates to the computer science (yes I know its not a real science) I've been doing lately, not sure weather I'm going to be able to finish it all fully but I'm going to try my best.

oh and also I probably need to get another Tb drive for my comp as I've filled about 600 Gb of it already.

Actually that's made me wonder should I name My computer? I just tend to think of her and a her atm and that's it, names can be dangerous but maybe I should give her a name... and suggestions? (oh and not Caroline or Elanore ad those are the names of my F Horn and Nat Horn respectively.)


Oh and heres something to dwell on people do you remember those days without Mobiles or the Net, when you could pass the time without even contemplating turning on a computer, and if you wanted to play solitaire you would get out a pack of cards rather than open the start menu.
Just something to think on, have been looking back a but lately.


Today's blog was brought to you by the letter G.

Cya all (fly safe)

o/


p.s. There's a rather nasty virus going round that basically slags your computers ability to start up at all, so keep your virus protection up to date all.

Ok I H have no real reason for writing here given I'd be highly surprised if anyone actually does read this but yep I want to put this out there because othersise I think I'm likely to break something.

So yep (scrole over to see blatently attention seaking un thought out statment) I HATE THIS FUCKING WORLD!!!

ok I dont but it dam well seems like its haveing a dam good try to mess me up.
so yep personaly matters aside (read other posts for them I guess) I'm just fedup, upset, angery and sad.

Primary concern is Gran being about to die or at least it seems so, she was given months to live a over a year ago and on friday evning was taken into hospital after colapsing, she can't talk  and shes paralised down one side atm... so yep things are not looking good, we're heading down to bristol to see her and meet up with mum tomorow (so much for the traditinal christmass we're going to be spending it in hospital)
and yep to add to all this mess is some coursework, I'm angery at myself about it and and angrey and anoyed at it, I had it working not 20 min ago and I change one thing and it stops working. but yep thats fine, I change back what I changes and for some dam reason it still wont work... yay for tecknology.

another anoyance and partly a reason why I've just posted out into the internet here is I really don't feel I can talk to anyone atm, partly because noones about but also I dont want to be messing up other peoples christmass's with my woes... silly isnt it but yep its the way I am that sort of thinking has tranferd into quite a fue things.... yes I know I should take the inishative more or at least once in a while but most of the times I do it often turns out for the worst no matter how good the intentions. oh well .

thanks for listening whoever, or maybe just Mr internet gods you you might be sentient by now and are just hideing it..... actualy thats a question would you be male?

Night all and hope you have a good christmass whoever you are

Well just thought I'd post again I'm a little less stressed today thankfuly but still feel rather on edge.

Silly thing is for all my coment about driveing into walls yesterday it sort of nearly happend lol ^^;;; well if you at least replace me with the wall and the car being a tram =P got stoped on the tram lines on the way into nottingham it wasent that clost but it was a little worrying seeing the tram comeing towards you....

I hope the next fue weeks goes well though I guess thats partly whats stressing me out though I'm definate the steuarding had somehting to do with it, but I supose the combination is the reason for me feeling stressed to such exstreems.

 

I hope all who read this are well and that if a metior does fall to earth tomorow and end our exsistance on this planet I wish you all the fondest fairwells.

Tva

I'm close to totaly snaping I really am... everythings just seems so fuitile I'm trying to come out my shell and do things, talk to people and get things done but it just seems really that people would rather I just disapeard again or treet me as if I was a bit of a troublesome chore.

I guess I'm not in the best calm contemlative state of mind but so help me god if I don't slam the car into a brick wall at high speed after things today I'll be suprised.... actualy no I won't as I'll probably be in rafic jams again for most of the trup.

I wish I could relax with people a care about and just laugh and joke and forget my worrys but I'm not even sure I can do that apart from the fact I'm about on my own everythings just seems so false can I still genualy smile?

Anyway sorry for teh depresive rant people not that manly are likely to even see this, but I'd best be off.

 

Tva

And its so shiny...

Ok I know thats not what you normaly should say about war but in this case I'm taking about Eveonline Factinal warfare has started. And the shinny? Well I have just about got my new computer working and so I'm able to use the New Graphics patch for it... honestly its a slight problem everyhting looks so new and shiny I just keep looking at the shiny ships and forget to shoot back as they blow me to bits. ^^;;

But yep its all fun, costing me a bit in ingame money but thats exspected (have lost I htink 3 ships alrady) It will be intresting to see how things pan out given the difrances between the malitas takeing part, something to definatly enjoy and to keep and eye on.

 

Had a concert on the weekend Honestly I wasn't that good and not something I'd of wanted to play for but I was asked to help out so trundled off there with my horn. =) was happy with my playing though and the Straberrys and Shampane in the interval was good lol.

 

My sisters back home atm, and saying that so am I lol (my uni seems to finish early) but yep I'm suprised how well I';m getting on with her, though maybe bribeing her with shreck3 might of helped. lol

 

Anyway thats all from me Best Wishes to all of you.

 

Tva =)

And then gets to close to the sun and comes crashing down to earth in a firey ball of buring feathers.

lol well maybe not but dam its been such a ling time since I updated this.... well more precicly its been just about a year =P

 

Can't say there much for me to put here of taht I would want to put... maybe I should close this down really but it is sort of relacing just randomly blathering away like this into this air. lol

 

works not going to great atm unfortunatly but well I guess thats life really but at least I can still smile about it... if only ina sort of haunted souless way....Arrrrgggg I've been Zombiefiede. XD =)

Btw what is it with this time of year everyone in keele rp seems to be haveing there birthdays we've been haveing it seems at least one a week now sincer mid april and they keep comeing. O_o!?

Anyway off I pop *waves to randome wandering monsters that come across this page*

 

I'm afrade folks its another depresed blog....

It was my birthday on saterday 5th I'm not 22...yay... yep as you might guess I'm not to enthused about that.

Sadly once again mot people have forgoten about it again, I can count the cards I got on one hand and still have room to count the random birthday greeting from someone on a forum I used to post on, what makes it worse is that most likely two of those cards won't be there next year, those being the ones from my grans. One sadly seems so frail I'm suprised but glad shes still here, the other was given months to live by the doctors 2 months ago so yep not much hope there, Mum had to head off down to bristol yesterday to see her to.

All this isn't helped by the fact that due to events and memorys concerning Nic that have afected my resit coursework along with my own aditinal troubles, bluntly put discounting something exstrodnaryI will not be returning to uni, which is a mixed bessing I guess as I will avoid liveing in the place I had the best year of my life grow.... but sadly which was soon after shaterd. but on the hole I consider not geting back there a -7 on the happyness scale I think.

As people may or no know I've been forced into a years no contact by nic the person I have feelings for...even love, and while I don't condone my own actions I must voice my disatifaction with Nics once agaon shuting me out and thinking of only herself rather than staying and continueing to try and fix the mess she created, I can acept maybe 2/3 months no contact honesly shes probably right in us needing it but to force a year on me withough my agreement is to much, especily whne she knows it will certanly be harder on me than her, and even if my some chance that all the sighns that seem to point to this not realy being a hard thing for her to live with are wrong, then she still have a large groop of friends and her bf ash behind her and on her side.

If nic things we can try and be friends after this forced year no contact where from my point of vue she is dilibratly putting my though hell and trying to hut my by doing this all so she can fully enjoy the life she has now, the life she gained with my blood. Then she I feel is goingto be disapointed, I still have feelings for nic this I am sure of I can't shake them, but she day by day is seeming less and less of a friend, and more and more like someone who seems to enjoy hurting me. and to my shame each day the hope that she will one day feel the same pain I'm in grows, and that just hurts me more. =(

On the point of friends nic did say I should talk to them insted of her,the reasons I find that hard are complicated but I still have tryed it I reopend conections with boo nad kiren just about the only friends I still have, but honestly now meaning and insult to them doing so has I think made me feel worse. =(

 

oh well I guess I'll stop ranting, it would of been nice though to of got even just a txt from Nic on my birthday =( given she forgot last year to......

 

I don't know how people are going to get this but I hope somehow they get given the link as non of the people mentiond have this bookmarked but here goes anyway.

 

I am basically doing this because I can’t afford to have things similar to what happened to me in November happen again, they will totally tip me over the edge, I have doubts I can claw myself back from where I am now, and if I slip any further I’m sure I won’t be able to.

But you ask why now, well because it seems to me that once again intentionally or not nic is going to repeat November once again, in her refusal to tell me what she expects of me, what she’s looking for and how? Its go to the point where I’m no longer in control of anything and once again I’m in nics hands being judged yet I know not what on.

 

So I am leavening everything, basically running away and hiding I guess, and yes unfortunately it means I’m leavening the few friends I had behind to, but I can’t afford to be reminded of anything I’m sorry.

 

I guess on that nic can go back to SG Liz I won’t be coming back, same goes for continuum.

 

 

Thank you all for your time over the years and I guess its Goodbye I hope you all have good lives.

 

Marc

 

"It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion,
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion. "

 

"You do relise I've never actuly done an interigation before without inflicting some sort of pain!"

 

 

Picture the seen a soppy romance is on tv, its the one you absolutly adore, and for once you've convinced your parents to let you stay up so you can see the end, that soppy joyfull part where finaly the pair that have been cercleing round each other the hole film Finaly get to gether and say those butifull words of sacred trust..."I Love you"

This moment however is slightly spoild by the fact that you heard these same words just a fue minnites earlyer, and not please don't get me wrong I'm not talking about your boyfriend or girlfriend good luck you you and best wishes. No waht I'm refering to is the Washing up liquid add taht just happend to be on in the break. *sighs*

Yes that is my point, and my hatred..... (even my fear.) It is the so frequent and blatent use of the word "Love" I'm sorry if this already boring some of you people who read this, forgive me its a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately, so if you realy wan't to leave please do, you've got this far so your more than entitled to a goody bag on the way out.

 

Now then those of you who've stayed.... lets see you probably know what I'm talking about, waht the meaning of love is and all that..... Well!! I'd beg to differ my good people I feel that realy we don't, For example how many of you can honestly say knife to throte taht the've never used the word love in just casule conversation, for example "I love this game" or "I'd love it if it snowed for christmass"

Ok so now certan of you may be seeing where I'm going now, or at the least you seem my point with our frequen use if the word. And yes I'll also admit to its use like that frequently, thats one of the reasons I'm writeing this as I've had to think very hard recently as to what the meaning of it is to me, even after I've said those fated words to someone a care about greatly.....yes ok Love.  But even though I would probably still hold true to those words I've said even if my life depended on it, I still fear that maybe I'm wrong..... maybe I feel something else? lust mabe? well I think many of us would admit that its always in there somewhere but I belive we can rule out that out as the soul feeling.

But anyway back Away from "honest" moments. =/ If you where asked what you though Love felt like, what it is! how would you answer it? the beating heart... the lingering kiss? Maybe you would answer it like that or maybe you'd find some ofther description, but just stop and think a second, where have you heard these descriptions before? hummm i mean its not often you turn round you your friend who's going to get married and ask them what love feels like is it. No you've probably seen these representations on the tv and in film...... ah yes I see now your thinking =) the word you want to focse on here is "Representations"

I know what your thinking now, and yes I guess film writers have know love and seen it ect so perhaps what you see is a good picture of love...... maybe but again there lies another problem its a "picture" modern teck and therters aside its just a picture behind a pain of glass with sound put in at the right moments, but can a picture or even just words convay what it sealy means...what it feels like I havent seem a film yet (ok maybe my watching could be made more vaired.... I guess I could lay off the dragons and explosions for once =P) taht explains some of the things that love does to you, a example would be if your loosking the person you've loved, you've been hurt ect and there are things you want to say to them things taht realy you know may hurt them, but when you meet with them you just forget the pain you've been feeling and you begin to enjoy yourself in there company, and you look at them and see there smileing.... there happy its almost as if its infectious, and those questions those bits of thinly disugised hostilatly agains the unfairness of the world just disapear withough you even thinking of them...... Yes I know I'm a romantic I guess and I know things are not always like that, theres always little details that people leave out, that our minds just put into the background, but hey I'm ranting atm so if you want to poke me with sharp sticks, do it at the end in the comments box. ^_~

 

But yes I admit that in my descriptions up there I'm probably being contradictory and hipacritical, but there is something there for you to think about at least I htink, I do admit there are difrent levels of love, as in the way you feel towards your close friends and towards your family, even you pet. but I guess its just that I feel we have to draw the line somewhere, as we are being constantly bombarded by film and medias perseption of love I'm not saying there wrong butI feel taht its something difrent for us all and we need to find our experince and first feelings of it for ourselvs rather than get it confused with very very samey  "dictonarly " definition of it that gets pumped at us every day. I just fear where loosing our way and that we should think hard before we say those 3 words to someone we realy care about, not because you could be wrong, but because they should actualy mean something and I guess be a sort of burden, rather than just be a regurgitated repeat of waht you said to your cup of coffee at 6am taht morning.

 

In realitly I don't think love is those 3 words I'd even say at times useing them is more demeiningd and hurtfull than careing. In the end we are all acters realy, we care about what others think of us to much in this society so it is rare that we don't censor what we say even subconshesly or just don't htink and use frases we've heard over and over again.... yes where back to the tv adds again. =) 

So yes to finish up and to stop rambeling, as the tv add says I do love my car, but only though acocation for it help get me to where the person I love is, "Ilove you" is not for inanimate objects its for Ideas and ideals, thing that we do rather than things that are there to make us something else. and of corse for people.... I guess the adds do have it right in some way, Love is for something with a heart.

But yep thats my thoughts its soppy I guess and confuseing in some places, and I guess down the line I may have the odd gripe about some of the things I said here to, but thats that, The words "I love you " are not hollow shells they mean something and when I say them there not just the feelings I want to show to someone there also a burden and I reminder to me taht this is someone I love, care for and will try my best to make them happy wahtever the future brings..... Maybe thats the same for you maybe it isn't maybe it will change for me, but whatever I wish happyness for all of you. =) (you deserve it after reading this ^_~  ) 

 

 

Oh and heres some fun for those of you who know me, make me have to rake my brains and think of answers. lol

Leave a comment here and...
1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll wish something good for you.
9. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal

 

Night all and keep safe. =) *hugs*